Jesus 'Jesus' Christ

"One day I'll be bigger than the VW Beetle"

Prophet, magician and bon viveur.

Jesus was born Jeshua Evan Williams in Bethlehem, Carmarthenshire, in the year 0000. Although West Wales was suffering from industrial decline and high unemployment at the time, he was fortunate to have a stable background. Both his parents were employed, his father working as a ghost for the local council and his mother as a carpenter.

Born with a full head of hair, a luxuriant beard and a halo, it was clear from the outset that he was a special child. At school, his academic performance was average, but in reports by his teachers we find indicators of his later career, such as the occasion when he resurrected a box of frogs intended for dissection in O Level Biology, or when he dissappeared for 40 days during a cross-country run.

As Jesus reached adolescence he showed no sign of entering either his father's or his mother's trades, instead choosing to sit on mountaintops wearing a beard of bees and meditating. It was only as he entered his twenties and became politically aware that he started to make an impact, first locally in Llandeilo and the Tywi Valley and then more widely as his fame spread across Wales and most other places in the world.
He started by casting out W.I. tea dances and farmers markets from church halls, then walked across the Severn Estuary and raised Elvis from the dead. Soon he was preaching to enormous crowds at the Millenium Stadium and Wembley, having fed them all with five portions fish and chips.

But as his fame grew, Jesus made enemies. The private health industry were worried by his healing powers, shoemakers lost trade as his followers took to the streets in sandals, and TV shopping channels were threatened by his renunciation of material possesions like cheap jewellery and remote-control hoovers. It was when his water-into-wine demonstration caused a collapse of the European wine market that the authorities decided to act.

He was arrested and subjected to a televised trial presented by Ant and Dec, followed by a public telephone vote to decide his fate. As the verdict was awaited, one of his followers smuggled a stolen key into his cell, hidden in the pages of a large book which wasn't the Bible because it wasn't written yet, and Jesus was able to unlock his door and escape. To this day his whereabouts is unknown, although apparent likenesses of him seen in potato crisps, oil stains, over-exposed holiday snaps and one of the Beatles suggest that he is still somehow working his magic.